Most people wallow in mediocrity when it comes to the significant relationships in their lives. They put more time into tracking their stocks, choosing their clothes, and deciding what to eat at the drive through. In fact, most people might be inclined to argue that relationships are more stressful than they are satisfying. With that in mind, what follows are some simple tips to instantly increase the quality of the relationships in your life, and move you towards living a life filled with fulfilling and empowering relationships.

Tip #1: Less is more

With regards to the "rules" that we bring to each of our relationships, less is definitely more. Most of these "rules" are based on negative past experiences, anyway! I have had clients of mine tell me that I should be able to read their minds, just as they expect their partners or spouses to read their mind. I have also heard clients verbalize other "rules" for their relationships, such as:

• if he/she loves me, he/she will....(fill in the blank with any behavior)
• my partner/spouse should only notice one beautiful person: me
• he/she should know what I want (in a given situation)

In the first example, we see a rule that makes relating a conditional experience, meaning that certain conditions must be met in order for that "rule" to be upheld. The more conditional rules there are in a relationship, the more likely it is that one partner will end up resenting the other.

In the second example, we see a rule that is not based in reality. Of course, it would be nice if our partners or spouses only "oogled" us. But think about it: to notice us, didn't they have to critique others and be able to compare differences between us and them? Stay grounded in reality with your rules.

In the third example, we see a rule based on our partner's ability to read our mind. Spending time with someone and being able to read their thoughts are two distinctly different processes. Avoid assuming that the other person in the relationship should have superhuman abilities. They don't, and you are setting yourself up for frustration.

Think about your "rules" in this manner: how many do you have for your best friends to follow compared to your partner or spouse? My guess is that you have many more rules for your significant other. Why? Because you elevate that relationship to a higher importance level in your life. However, conversely, one of the reasons your best friends remain as such year in and year out is because you have less guidelines for them to follow. If they do not call exactly when they say they will, you let it slide (most likely). If they forget an important fact about you, you don't sweat it. It's all a result of the number of rules you have for the relationship. Less is more.

Tip #2: Offer value for relating to you

People want to hang around and be with those that intrigue them. We want to be with people that challenge us, support us, and make us laugh. Become a person that offers value in these areas and you will be worth your weight in gold. Why? Because most people don't view relationships in this manner. In fact, meeting people that add value to our lives is a rare occurrence. It's the individual that challenges our lazy assumptions or statements. The person that demonstrates active support for our goals and dreams. The person that use humor to point out how silly it is to take life too seriously. These people add value to their interactions by giving of themselves rather than taking. How can you become one of these people? Three easy ideas:

• notice what is important to those around you, and let it also be important to you
• forget about always trying to be "right" in your discussions. Does it really matter if you are?
• inject humor whenever possible, especially about yourself. People love to laugh with you, and it shows that you are secure in your self-image, which is appealing.

Tip #3: Personalize your relationship

This may sound like an obvious tip, but it is still warranted here. What do I mean by personalizing your relationship?

• go out on a limb every now and then and express your heartfelt emotions. Anyone can say "thanks" or "thank you". It takes a little more effort to personalize your interactions, sympathies, salutations, etc, but with regards to relationships, the efforts are never in vain.
• strike when the iron is cold, particularly with regards to constructive feedback. Like most people, I would probably not be open to hearing criticism from others after I had just bombed a speech, presentation, etc. Giving feedback after the "pain" subsides is a much more effective process. This also works well with regards to positive feedback. Complimenting someone when they least expect it magnifies tenfold the effectiveness of the intended meaning, as it conveys the idea that you actually put thought into this particular compliment. I've heard it mentioned that flattery is really the art of telling someone that which they already think about themselves. This may or may not be true, but either way, timing is important.
• remember dates. Birthdays are obvious dates to remember, but what about the day of the big presentation? How about the day that they closed on their first house? Or their child's birthday? This technique can go a long way towards demonstrating caring in your relationships. So find out which dates are important to those around you, and make sure to join them in celebrating them.

One more tip: remember the overall principle here: personalization of your relationship. Don't "remember" an anniversary by having your secretary send a card, in her handwriting. That will have the opposite effect. It will actually tell that person, "You're not important enough to warrant me taking the time to do this myself." And that just doesn't work.